I don't know why
So as you may know my faux-emo boy sent me a message
And we've been talking... but not the way I'd like
I mean I'm hardly ever on MySpace anymore and things just get in the way...
So I became pathetic today and browsed his profile.
Looked through some comments.
And I felt weird.
I don't know what it is exactly.
I mean don't get me wrong...
He's great and all...
But sometimes I feel like he's living what I have dreamt of for sometime.
He's open.
I'm anything but.
He's spontaneous.
I plan 2 weeks in advance.
He can just move on.
God knows I dwell for ages...
I don't know...
I tell myself I'm tired of hiding.
Tired of pretending.
Tired of lying.
I tell myself I'll man up and just say it already.
I'll just let go.
I'll just let people assume things...
But the minute someone says "You're [not] gay?"
I collapse.
I break into a million little pieces.
Put on my brave face and just smile.
I never answer the question.
I don't even talk about it later...
I just fall apart
And no one is there to pick up the pieces....
I want to be open.
I want to network
I want to let everything just happen the way it was meant to happen...
I want to stop being that closeted little bitch I see everytime I look in the mirror...
I don't know.
I mean... it seems like another year has come and gone.
I'm not getting any youngerI know I'll never get the chance again...
But here I am.
Still waiting for something to change
Still waiting for things to come my way.
Still waiting for me to change.....
I've told myself I'd change
But I'm afraid.
That's what it all boils down to.
I'm too afraid to let go
Too afraid of what people will say.
Too afraid I'll be wrong
Too afraid I won't mean it
Too afraid I'll regret it
Too afraid someone will find out
Too afraid I'll be treated differently
Too afraid I'll lose my sense of self...
Too afraid I'll some how lose me....
Great and now Ethan has a boyfriend...
Why doesn't God just shoot me down already?
I'm pretty sure the Botox isn't going to hold back the flood gates anymore...
I'm done.
