Lets see...
Where to begin.......
Well... after Mr. Stripes thought my pathetic demeanor was "creepy"
I decided to take on a different approach.
I would ignore him.
And that worked for a while.
But now... he seems to be ignoring me.
And I don't like that.
-sigh-
I don't know.
I don't think I'm asking for too much.
I really don't.
I haven't taked to the faux-emo boy who I was supposed to go out with in a few weeks.
Its a little disheartening.
My rapist is still being weird.
Mr. Cute Boy... is impossible.
And I hate myself for that.
I'm blaming myself... but I don't know why.
So...
Wifey #1 sucks.
And swallows.
We were walking down the hall.
She said something mean.
I said "I hope you end up with a gay kid"
And she just said "No! I'd disown him... Its gross!"
I let that one slide...
But then today the issue came up again and I couldn't let this one go.
Not after I've felt like shit about it for a while.
Not after I've beat myself up over Mr. Cute Boy.
Not after I've felt like crap because Mr. Stripes is ignoring me.
No.
I wasn't about to let that one slide.
And I didn't.
So I just wasn't exactly pleased with her and I'm still not.
I'm sure English didn't help any when Mrs. Mikey Way told me to sit "like a real man" and not like "some little pussy who keeps his legs crossed".
That was completely crossing the line.
I didn't know how to respond so I just stared at that T.S. Elliot poem for a good 15 minutes.
Completely unaware of everything else.
Just staring at the poem...
I'm sure all of this made my lunch expierence even worse.
Ren-Fest.
Being dragged to it.
Afraid I'd see Mr. Cute Boy.
And that's exactly what happened.
I saw Mr. Cute Boy as soon as I got there.
I saw Luke.
I saw Mr. Stripes.
I saw my rapist.
And every other boy that was remotely decent looking reminded me of what Mrs. Mikey Way and Wifey #1 told me.
It made me feel disgusting.
It made me want to just fall over and die.
But I put on a brave face and tried to live with it while waiting in line with Wifey #2.
I eventually thought freaking Cameron out would help...
And it did... for a few seconds...
Then I saw Mr. Cute Boy and I was reminded of how horrible my day was going and how I would never and could never be with someone so perfect.
It reminded me I was unremarkable and boring.
Completely void of any substance.
And I hate myself for that....
Got back to school.
Went to Physics alone still feeling like a total waste of human existence.
Went to Biology, still feeling like a complete waste.
And now I'm here...
Still feeling like a complete waste.
Pathetic.
Unremarkable.
Closeted.
Scared.
Stupid.
Boring.
Fat.
Ugly.
Bitchy.
Cold.
Tired.
Raunchy.
I don't know...
I was reading Mr. Cute Boy's LiveJournal
(I said I was pathetic, sue me...)
And I was reminded of how unremarkable I am.
I don't know.
It feels like I've wasted my entire life.
Even looking ahead to a moring filled with the smell of the OR isn't helping.
I feel like crap.
No.
I feel beyond crappy.
Beyond pathetic.
I've hit a new low...
Woo.....
